


Bury me in grey

by rankae



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 10:01:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28349559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rankae/pseuds/rankae
Summary: Dig them outTake away these memoriesThe voice that wouldn't reachMakes me suffer againSearch deeperTake a look at this pain inside of meWhatever you left behindBecame my everything~kizuatio- centimillimental
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Bury me in grey

**Author's Note:**

> Have a good read and make sure you got a tissue box ready beside you :)

_“Alex?”_

_“….”_

_“Alexander…”_

_“…Don’t use that name.”_

_“I’m sorry… about Saeran. I know how much you-“_

_“Yeah”_

_“And how much she-“_

_“Yeah”_

_“so…”_

_“so…?”_

_“I’m sorry”_

_“you said that”_

_“I still am”_

_“me too”_

_“she would forgiv-“_

_“But I wont”_

\--

She had such long eyelashes. They were so pretty and thick and the way they just kicked up at the ends… he loved them. The way they fluttered so charmingly as she blinked and framed the shape of her eyes so perfectly- he could write sonnets about how he adored eyelashes. Songs about the color of her eyes and symphonies about the curve of her lips. She was magnificent, radiant and oh so amazing he could scarcely believe she was with him. After almost 6 years of being together and he still couldn’t understand how Saeran had come to fall in love with him no matter how hard he thought about it. He would lay awake at night and watch her sleep, his fingers ghosting over her peaceful features, careful not to wake her. He could feel the warmth that he had grown quite addicted to. Even in her sleep, she was still providing him peace no one else in his life had offered.

Saeran shifted in her sleep and he could feel his mouth quirk into a small smile as she twitched her nose and lips as she began to wake up. Something he always found so utterly adorable he could barely keep his hands to himself to stop him from pinching at her cheeks. _She was not a cat. She was his fiancé and… oh one pinch wasn’t going to hurt._

Her eyes shot open when she felt warm fingers squeeze at her face gently.

_That damned man of hers._

A soft smile graced her mouth as she stretched languidly in her chair, her arms jutting out awkwardly to push her tender attacker back, her silver haired lover chuckling to himself with amusement. He had been watching her sleep again, she just knew it, her senses picking up his kind gaze even in her barely conscious periphery. She would know the feeling of his eyes on her from anywhere; in a crowded room, over the security camera in their home or yes, even whilst asleep. His stare intense and focused but at the same time filled with so much love and care that she felt almost cold without it on her at times- which, as luck would have it, was not often at all.

He embraced her, his arms linked low on her back, hands barely grazing the top of her bottom. Slowly and carefully, he moved closer to close the distance between them, he scanned over the details of her face. Never in a thousand years did he think he’d be so lucky to have someone like her in his life, never dared to dream about it. Yet here she was, in his arms, willing to marry him in 3 months.

“G’mornin,” she yawned as she continued her elongated stretch, the hand used to push him away fondly caressing at his chest. Alex smirked at the small token of affection and caught her wrist in a loose hold and kissed her fingers one by one.

“Good morning yourself,” he said back, his smile growing larger as a fainted blush tinted the tops of her cheeks. Almost six years together and he was still floored by the sight of her flushed cheeks. He was a complete fool in love and he couldn’t find it within himself to care.

“Are we nearly there?” she questioned as she waggled her legs out in front of her, her toes pointing forward. It had been almost 14 hours since their departure and Alex was glad to see the lush green fields of Ireland beneath them. They had no business there but he had asked Saeran where she wanted to go on one of their rare weeks of leisure, so she had spun the globe in his office and randomly pointed to a country and voila, they were on their way to Ireland. He had to admit he was rather excited, he hadn’t had the time to venture there when he had a business trip to the UK, and to experience everything with Saeran for the first time was trilling. Trying the food together and seeing all the sights, like proper tourists, he couldn’t remember the last time that he had the chance to do that. Another thing he had to add to the list of things he needed to thank Saeran for.

“Mhmm, the pilot said we should probably land in the next hour or so,” he replied as he leaned over to tuck a hair away from her face.

“Hmm, thank you,” she grinned, leaning into his touch. Alex stifled a laugh as once again he was reminded how deeply in love he was with her. “I should probably get freshened up though-” she began to say as she moved to stand, only to be silenced with a kiss to her brow as he held her to him. Saeran laughed as he moved to stroke the side of her cheek and down her jaw to caress the soft skin along her neck as he nuzzled into her hair, his warm breath tickling her ear.

“No, you are absolutely perfect my darling. You stay right here,” he murmured as he pressed another chaste kiss to her temple.

“But I want to brush my teeth and fix my hair-”

“You are perfect just as you are-”

“I can taste my dinner from hours ago-”

“You just stay-”

“is there a reason why you don’t want me to go to the bathroom Alexander?” she asked, one brow arching suspiciously as she felt his sheepish grin on his lips as he kissed her cheeks. The sound of his full name on her lips always making him surrender.

“Because I am in dire need to go to the bathroom myself my love.”

Saeran scoffed as she unbuckled her seatbelt and got halfway up before Alex pulled her back down, falling back in a mass of tangled limbs, laughing all the way. She looked up at him disbelievingly as she huffed out an indignant breath and rolled her eyes. Alex beamed down at her, his perfect white teeth practically blinding her as he leant down to steal one final kiss from her lips.

“Why didn’t you go earlier? You had to choose the exact moment I woke up before you decided to go pee?” She giggled, poking him in the chest with each word to punctuate her irritation with him. His smile grew wider as he twisted the ends of her hair between his fingers, revelling in its silken texture.

“I didn’t want to miss you sleeping.”

“Alex- you’ve seen me sleep a thousand times-”

“And now I’ve seen you sleep a thousand and one times,” he said as simply as if he were merely stating the obvious. Saeran shook her head as she wet her lips knowing full well that her fiancé was ridiculous and knew better than to fight him when he was in a particularly amorous or sentimental mood. “Now, if you’ll excuse me-” he said as he rose from his seat and straightened his sweater, the one she had bought him in one of their anniversaries.

“You’re lucky I love you,” she joked as he moved around her to walk down the aisle. Alex paused and looked back down at her; his grey eyes boring into her. He bent down to peer directly into her line of sight, surprising his beloved, his intense expression causing her to sit further back in her seat. His mouth pulled at one side into a cocky smirk as he pressed his index finger onto the tip of her nose in a quick tap, then two.

“I know I am.”

Alex hummed to himself as he ran a hand through his perpetually mussed locks and smiled at the thought of his quietly simmering fiancé still back in her seat. He was about to reach for his toothbrush when a sudden lurch in the aircraft, caused him to lose balance, forcing him to catch himself against the fine countertop. The plane shook and dipped enough for Alex’s heart to start racing; he could only imagine how Saeran… wait… _Saeran hated turbulence_. The only reason she tolerated flying was because he was always beside her. Mentally cursing himself, he managed to open the door of the bathroom and was about to walk back to his seat when he looked up- Saeran’s pale and stricken face staring at him from where she sat. Her hands clung to the plush armrests so tightly he could almost see the veins pop out of her arms from the pressure.

He had never seen someone so frightened in their life; her eyes glittering with tears and her mouth open in a silent scream as she watched the cabin fly with objects that weren’t buckled down. Alex tried to yell out to her, that it would be just fine, that it was just some terrible turbulence and it would end shortly only to be hushed by her screams.

“Stop! It’s too dangerous! Go back! Go back in there and brace yourself!” She cried as the tears fell down her face. He took one step just as the plane swayed enough for him to bang into the wall, jarring his shoulder, a pained hiss seeping through his teeth. “Listen to me- please- I beg you- go back!” She bawled, slapping at the armrest hysterically. Alex clutched at his shoulder and nodded, closing the door behind him and locking it, sliding down between the door and the space between the sink.

Was it storming outside? Was there some sort of malfunction in the plane? Did the pilot make announcement and he just didn’t hear it? All Alex knew was that Saeran was all alone, crying and afraid and he wanted nothing more than to crawl over to her- to hold her hand, to pat her hair and reassure her that everything would be fine. Alex could feel the plane try to right itself, the nose pointing up, all the while still rocking violently back and forth. So forcefully that Alex had lost his grip between the wall and the sink that his head smacked against the hard stone surface, his vision clouding and his head spinning. He fought to remain awake, his brain telling him that he was most likely concussed and that sleeping would only make their troubles worsen tenfold. But he couldn’t resist the call of the darkness that lurked behind his eyes; the terrifying sound of Saeran screaming becoming his cursed lullaby.

When he came to his senses, he was slumped on the floor, his face plastered against the cold tile, his body aching. Slowly he moved each one of his limbs to test out if he was injured and finding only a stiff shoulder and what felt like would become a striking bruise forming on the side of his head, he seemed perfectly fine. He gingerly pushed himself off the floor and waited until the room had stopped spinning before taking in his surroundings. The mirror was cracked and the bathroom in complete disarray but nothing that couldn’t be patched up in a couple of hours after they had landed. Alex looked closely at his reflection, a patch of half dried blood where he had hit his head matting down his hair to his forehead, small scratches from the slivers of glass and mirror on the floor all over his cheeks. Ignoring his appearance, he carefully opened the door, unsure if there were things that had flown up against it during the turbulence.

Shattered glass from the stemware littered the floor, bottles of wine smashed and leaking into the cream carpet and… and… half of the plane was missing. When Alex looked up from the ground to where he had hoped to see his crying lover- there was nothing but empty space. Debris was scattered everywhere and the wires from inside of the plane were sticking out and firing electrical sparks and… _where the hell was Saeran? How long had he been out for?_ Picking up his pace, Alex searched every nook and cranny at the end of the plane and came up short each time. She wasn’t there. _She wasn’t there._ Keeping a level head despite how his heart pounded in his chest, he knew that the plane could have broken up on impact and she could still safely be on the other part, waiting for him to find her.

Alex jumped down from the wreckage onto the lush green grass that helped to cushion his impact. He winced as he landed awkwardly, his knees cracking and right ankle rolling under his weight, but still he soldiered on, pushing back the pain to search the field they crashed upon. He circled around him and it looked like an aeronautical graveyard, parts of his private jet thrown every which way he could see. Finally, to the left of him, not even half a mile away was the front of the plane. Alex hobbled as fast as he could towards it, paying no mind to the smoke that billowed from the site or the fires that were slowly dwindling around it, he had to find her.

He called out, his voice cracking and weak at first; gradually growing louder and more demanding each time only his voice would reply back to him in a hollow, mocking echo. Alex doubled over with his hands upon his thighs, his breathing rapidly increasing, desperately trying to trick his mind into believing he was merely winded and not having a panic attack. Cold sweat ran down his back as he forged on, ignoring the searing pain that ran through his body, ignoring the stinging at the back of his eyes or the burn in his throat. He was going to find her. She was going to be fine. They were going to see Ireland even if it was in the comfort of her hospital bed. He was going to find her.

“Saeran!” He called out again, twisting around in a turn, scanning every bit of rubble and that she could have been covered by, quickly falling into a pit of despair. What if she had flown out from the plane before they landed? Was that possible? What if she was in a completely different place, in pain and alone and he couldn’t get there in time? What if she was already dead-

“Al…Alex…”

It was faint, barely above a whisper, but when all he could hear was his own heart- it wasn’t hard to pick the voice that helped keep it beating.

He called out again and again until he heard her call out, louder and louder until he could pinpoint the exact direction she was in. With a speed he didn’t know he had, he ran as best he could over to the corner where only a couple of chairs had fallen, pinning her to the ground. Gritting his teeth and grunting through the pain, he managed to push heavy seats off of her and let his eyes wander over her body. She looked… fine. Scratches and bruises on her face and along her arms and legs but otherwise- she was intact and smiling up at him.

“You’re safe… Thank god! I… I thought you w-were dead,” She sobbed, her arms reaching up for him. Dropping to his knees Alex released a long sigh of relief as he lay himself down into her open embrace, her heartbeat strong against his ear, her breathing smooth and even, she was fine. He knew it. Right down to his core. He had found her. “I called out to you and you never answered me! I thought I lost you!”

Alex tightened his arms around her and allowed a few errant tears of joy to squeeze out of the sides of his eyes. “You know I’d never leave you,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion as he pulled up to rest on his forearms to take a good look at her, “wherever you are, I’d find you. Wherever you are, I will be.” He took her lips and kissed her, hoping she would feel the happiness and love he felt right at that moment. Saeran offered him a brilliant smile as she stroked the sides of his face, wiping away the dirt and sweat that marred his pale skin.

“Now come my love, we need to see if we can call for help,” he said as he stood up, offering a hand to her to help her stand. Saeran hesitated before taking his hand, something Alex noticed, and thinking she needed some more help to stand, he knelt on one knee as he began to help her up. Saeran yelped abruptly, and stopped when she wasn’t even sitting halfway up and Alex paused, concern flashing over his handsome features. Gently he laid her back down and waited for her face to relax and for her breathing to even out.

“Are you hurt darling?” he asked, swallowing thickly, petrified of her answer. Saeran looked up to the sky, her eyes filling up with new tears, swallowing back the cries she so anxiously wanted to release. Knowing she couldn’t answer him without revealing how much pain she was in, she merely nodded and continued to stare at anything but him. “Where? Where are you hurt Saeran” he asked as he patted her down, pushing and pulling at her clothes to see where her injury may have been hiding. Alex pulled up the hem of her top and gasped, her entire stomach was swollen and turning into a sickly purple hue. She could have been hemorrhaging and if she didn’t get help quickly- _no, no, she was going to be fine. He was there now._

“Can you stand? I’ll carry you to wherever we need to go-”

“No Alex, they’re going to be looking for us in the wreckage, we can’t stray far-”

“You’re hurt Saeran- badly at that. You need to let me get you to help-”

“I can’t feel my legs Alex.”

His brain had ceased to work for a second, terror running through his veins. Saeran couldn’t feel her legs? Perhaps they were just asleep? Or just numb from the cold? He started to rub the flat of his palm up and down her calf, faster and with more pressure, dug his fingers into the muscle, his nails… nothing. Not a flinch. Nothing at all. The sadness in Saeran’s eyes deepened as she met his, the smallest whimper escaping her mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

Alex laughed mirthlessly as his mind worked as fast as it could to try to solve this problem, there was always a solution to everything and he could always find it. He just needed some more time, that was all.

“What are you apologizing for my love? You did absolutely nothing wrong,” he replied waving away her apology, his hands still massaging at her legs in case there was a chance she could feel his touch. A small warm hand wrapped itself around his bicep and squeezed.

“Alex. Look at me.”

He couldn’t do it. Such a simple request- and he couldn’t. He had looked at her everyday for over six years, why was it so difficult to do now? He didn’t want her to see the fear in his eyes, or the panic and helplessness strewn over his face. He didn’t want her to know that he didn’t know what to do, that he was drawing blank and that meant that he was going to fail her. Moreover, he never wanted to see _her_ like this, hurting and scared and with him unable to do a damn thing for her.

“Alexander, please.”

He lifted his head and looked at her in the eye and tried his best to look calm for her, so she could keep calm and not exacerbate her injuries. They could still make it through this, he knew it. Help couldn’t be far away.

“Alex, I love you. So very much my darling,” she said with a sad smile on her face, her hand still holding his arm. “But you need to accept the fact that I am probably not going to-”

“Are you cold?” he asked suddenly, not willing to let her finish her sentence.

“Am I… Alex, you need to listen to me-”

“It’s cold here. I think I saw some blankets and some pillows over there. I’ll be right back.”

“Alex, I don’t need- _Alex!_ ”

He wasn’t going to hear it, he didn’t want to, didn’t need to. She was trying to say goodbye and that just wasn’t necessary, not when she was going to live. What he needed was to find those pillows and blankets like he said he was going to and keep them as comfortable as possible before the rescue found them. No, what he needed to do was contact his dr. and organize for the best rehabilitation therapists in the world to come and help Saeran learn to walk again and failing that, to get in touch with builders to make their house more access friendly- or perhaps just ask a realtor to find a new house for them to live in entirely- one where there could be treatment room for therapists to live in and stay on to provide around the clock care… Perhaps he’d get engineers to design the best automated wheelchair for Saeran… he had so many things he had to think about there was no need for Saeran to… _cold. She was probably cold. Focus on one thing at a time Alex. She needs you to focus._

Hurrying back and carefully placing the pillow beneath her head and layering the blankets on top of her, Alex sat beside her holding her hand as his mind continued to tick over and plan everything he may need to do to aid in her recovery.

“A…Alex…”

_When had her hand gotten so cold?_

“P…Please… you need to l-listen to me,” she begged, her fingers intertwining with his, softly squeezing. Alex could feel his resolve breaking, he could never deny her anything. Even this.

“I am, I always listen to you,” he said despairingly, his mouth twisting into a sad frown no matter how hard he tried to lift it up into a smile for her.

“Good. I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I…I don’t think I’ll be able to see the sights w-with you anymore Alex,” she tried to joke, her ripples of laughter turning into sad gasps of breath at the way her husband’s jaw clenched and the way his hand tightened around hers. “I don’t think I’ll get to do a lot of things with you.” Alex suppressed the sound he wanted to make in the back of his throat, strangling himself with the pain he kept inside so he could still appear strong for his lover. “I promised you a life together and I couldn’t even give you a decade-”

“Please, I beg of you, do not apologize. Do not apologize for the time we had together,” he pleaded, the tightness in his chest making it hard for him to breathe. “They made me the happiest I have ever been.”

“I’m…I’m not. I’m apologizing that I couldn’t give you more. You deserve more Alex, I wanted to give you m-more.”

“You will love, _you will_ ,” he contested, shaking her hand in rebuttal as he peppered the skin on the back with firm kisses. Colder. She had gotten colder.

_Not yet._

“I want to.”

“And so you will. Whatever you want Saeran, you will have it. A lifetime with me. Two. Twelve. We will have it, believe in it. In me,” he urged as he moved to lay down beside her. Wrapping his long arms around her body, he drew her in as close to him as he could, running his hands over the dips and curves of her body, reminding her how he loved every inch of her; memorizing every inch of her.

“I do, I always have… that’s why I know, I know you’re going to be okay,” she smiled as she reached to touch his face, Alex leaning into the cup of her hand. “You’re the most amazing person I have ever met Alex- there is nothing you can’t do. Nothing you can’t defeat. So, I… I be-believe that you will beat this.”

“No, no you’re wrong,” he shook his head, holding her smaller hand against his face, desperate to keep the feel of her skin upon his for as long as possible. He wasn’t daft, her voice had gotten weaker, her breathing shallower and her words slurred into one another, her body was so cold that not even two thick blankets and his body heat could warm her. The pulse under his fingertips in her wrist- it had slowed down alarmingly and… and it wasn’t getting stronger. He was losing her. And if she thought for one second that he would be able to continue on as he had before without her, she was sorely mistaken. Underestimating the level of need she had cast over him. She was the reason he woke up in the morning and the reason he could sleep through the night- it was all for her. How could she even think that he could be anything without her in his life?

“I’m not…”

“ _We made a promise._ That you would live for me and that I would live for you. Three months from now, we should be making our vows, in front of our family and friends, so how can I do that without you beside me?” he reasoned with her, ready to bargain with her to live. He would offer her power, money, fame, anything- all the love he could muster in a lifetime to shower upon her everyday- he would gladly do it, so long as there _was_ an everyday with her.

“I… the promise means more… if… if you live for me, in honor of my memory.”

“Don’t ask me to do this, please-”

“-I need to-”

“You don’t! You don’t!” he challenged, pressing his forehead against hers. “You can stay. Right here, with me. You don’t need to talk, don’t need to fulfil any promises today. Except one- don’t leave me.”

“Al-”

“I need you.”

“Ale-”

“So make this new promise, hmm? Promise me that you’re going to be with me, always. We live together. We die together. Not today. Fifty years from now when we’re old and grey and warm in bed and lost in our dreams. We can have that, Saeran. Please. Promise me!” he begged as her eyes slowly began to shut- _God- no- have mercy. Not yet. Not today. Just a little bit longer please._

“Alex…”

He gave up, he needed to let her say whatever it was that she thought she had to say. _Goodbye. I love you. Live well._ All those adages he’d heard in sappy movies that had never once moved him and yet now, on the verge of hearing it himself, he could barely hide the emotion it evoked within him. _Listen to her, just one more time, she has never led you astray._

“Alex… please… I can’t f-feel my legs… tell Kieran to move.”

What? What was she talking about? Was she hallucinating? Did she… did she think she was at home? In bed with him? That their dog, Kieran, was sleeping on her legs?

_…small mercies indeed my Lord._

“Yes, I’ve moved him- is that better my love?” he asked choking on his words as he watched her, refusing to blink, unable to let one microsecond of her life pass by before his eyes, even as his vision flooded with tears. Grey eyes focused on the serene expression Saeran wore on her face, the way her mouth had turned upwards in a contended smile and nuzzled into her pillow- just like she did every night at home- she had just thought she was going to sleep…

“Mmhhmm… thanks…”

“My- my pleasure-”

“…I’m cold…”

“Here… take my blanket,” he whispered as he draped his jacket over her, her smile growing as the warmth and the scent of him made their way into the last vestiges of her consciousness.

“…Thanks.”

“I-is that better?”

“-Hm…”

Alex watched as her chest rose up once more before falling for the last.

“Sleep well, my love.”

Half frozen fingers traced over fine eyelashes. Down the graceful slope of her nose. The seams of her lips. The dip in her neck. Her hair, her beautiful hair. Over and over in a loop, he couldn’t stop. They lay there in the ruins of his life, with her in his arms, for hours before help arrived. He had half hoped that they wouldn’t, that they would leave them there alone until death took pity on him and let him join his fiancé. _We live together, we die together, right?_

He barely registered when the crew had come, their thick accents making it hard for the disoriented man to understand them, not that he was trying very hard. They poked and prodded him as he shoved them off, uncaring about his minor injuries, all he could process was the white sheet they had placed over her face as they were about to wheel her into the back of the ambulance.

“Wait- no- don’t do that. Don’t cover her face!” he snapped as he lunged forward, ripping the fabric from her.

“We’re sorry Mr. Koran-”

“Just leave me. Leave us.”

He stopped listening to them as they continued to talk, climbing in beside her on the gurney. He slipped his hand beneath her head and held her. His mind flashed back to their final moments alone together where he had spoken to her like they used to do in bed when his mind couldn’t rest; just normal, mundane things that didn’t matter but just let him relax. On the cold, hard dirt, with his breath visible in the cold night air- Alex spoke of the future. How she would have to get up early the day after they got back from their holiday to finish some preparations for their weddings, or how she needed to finish the new song she was writing because he couldn’t wait to hear it or how he would have to find a new groomer for Kieran because he didn’t like how his fur was styled the last time. Even in the silence, Alex was convinced he could almost hear her answer him.

Throwing the sheet over the both of them, just like he did for them at home as they slept in each other’s arms, he turned her over so she lay flush against him with her pretty face positioned towards his, Alex tapped her nose once and then twice.

_“You are so lucky I love you…”_

“I know. I was. Not anymore.”

His luck had run its course.

“I… I should have let you go to the bathroom first… I don’t know why I didn’t. Some stupid notion of fun and games… people always said I wasn’t funny. I failed you as a gentleman and as a husband because I wanted to be fun and stupid and… look where we are now. If only I had… If I had _just let you go_ … You’d be alive instead of me. You would be here, alive and well. You… you were wrong Saeran. You are the strong one, the one that could go on, the one that’d be okay. I… I am the one who is sorry.”

Coiling his body around her smaller one, Alex finally released the dam he had been unconsciously holding onto for hours. He buried his face into the crook of her neck, his tears collecting in her strands of hair, like little diamonds adoring her. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do next. There was no plans for this, no contingency. He had never planned on living on without his lover- yet there he was, in the back of an ambulance, grasping onto her dead body desperately, his only anchor in the world.

His fingers gripped into her form, his tears stained her clothes, his heavy, drowning sobs reverberated around the ambulance. He didn’t care if the paramedics could see him, he didn’t care if the whole world could see him- they could all watch as he mourned the loss of his wife, friend and saviour. They could all cry with him.

The pilots. 

The flight attendants.

His wife.

He was the only survivor.

The papers sensationalized his survival. Said it was a miracle.

Yet again, the media had gotten it all wrong.

Miracle they said. Sole survivor they said.

This whole thing was a curse.

 _Fools. No one made it out of there alive._

The doctors said not to drink with the pain medication they had put him on to deal with his fractured skull, but he had no wish to keep up the charade of living.

The doctors lied. The drugs had no effect. The alcohol had no effect. He was still alive, and everything still hurt.

He barely remembered being taken onto the plane back to Canada, stinking of booze and determined to sleep his life away. Alex swayed within his chair, minutes passing by before he recognized the feel of weightlessness and the very particular smell of the air freshener in the air- he was in another company jet. He turned his sight to look before him, only to see Saeran’s dearest childhood friend, Lionel sitting in front of him, a shock of bright blonde hair and sad eyes filled his vision - unable to stomach the pity the man radiated, he looked beside him, to what should have been Saeran’s chair- empty.

It would always be empty.

Digging his blunt nails into the fine leather of the seat, Alex cocked his head to the side to stare outside, the choppy waves of the sea more interesting than his friend or the painful reminder of all that he had lost.

When Alex asked for a bottle of wine, no one thought to stop him.

When he asked for two glasses, no one thought to question him.

When he poured one glass and placed it in front of Lionel and then another on the table directly beside him- and then he began to drink from the bottle- no one had the heart to take the glass away.

He entered his house, _yes, it was his once again_ , and shooed Lionel away. He just wanted to be alone. Drunk and sad and alone. That was all he could handle.

Dropping his… and her… suitcase on the floor beside the bed, Alex let himself fall back onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling. How many nights had he stared at the same ceiling before he met her and felt like it was going to cave in on him? Now it seemed like the bed was moving closer and closer to it, the feeling of claustrophobia washing over him out of nowhere. Gasping he sat up, cradling his head. He was probably too drunk. _Was there such a thing?_

Soft whimpers caught his attention as Kieran sat beside Saeran’s luggage, his black tail fanning back and forth, questioning him: _Where is she?_ She’s gone. _Where?_ Gone. _When is she coming back?_ Never. _What did you do?_ Nothing. _Where is she?_ …. Gone. 

Kieran’s cries and soft howls grew more persistent as he explored the house as if he didn’t believe him, before returning to his spot beside Saeran’s bag, barking loudly as his tail brushed noisily against the material of her suitcase.

“Kieran… please.”

_Bark._

“Kieran-”

_Bark._

“Kieran! ENOUGH!” he roared, throwing a cushion towards his beloved pet. Kieran whined as he bounded away easily, his ears flopping backwards, clearly shocked that his normally calm and kind owner had such a violent outburst. “She’s not here! She’s not coming back! It’s _me_ and _you_ , so you have to get used to it! I do- so stop crying there as if you’re the one who had been hard done by! So stop crying- stop crying!” he yelled at the stunned dog, his big blue eyes watching him, a wary expression on his face. Alex took a shuddering breath as he wiped at his eyes, using his sleeves to soak up the tears that he didn’t even know he had shed. “ _Stop crying.”_

But he couldn’t. He sat there for what felt like hours with his head in his hands, bent over between his knees, weeping, howling, begging. Where were the loving arms that encased him with warmth and love at times of distress? Where were the soothing words and hushed sounds in his ears to calm him? Where was she? All these questions and no-good answers.

Kieran jumped from his spot to rub his nose against Alex’s leg, rubbing his face against his calves, offering his owner any type of comfort he can.

“Kieran please get off my l-”

_Her final words, her final moments, they haunted him. In his dreams and even in waking, they haunted him._

He paused, his heart stopping mid-sentence. Alex released a harsh, jarring breath as his trembling hand covered his mouth; small, almost imperceptible whimpers falling from his lips. Blinking back the stinging in his eyes and biting down on his bottom lip to silence his already muted cries, Alex reached over the half empty glass of wine on his bedside table and took a drink. The taste of his own tears mixing with the fine port, so often blending on his palate, he forgot what the wine tasted like before.

Alex handed all the details of the funeral to Lionel. She had grown up with him, he had been her family before Alex came into her life. Alex felt he had no right to plan any celebration of her life when his careless, stupid mistake cost them to lose such a precious being. His one request was to be able to spend some time alone with her before they closed the coffin, to see that beautiful face one more time before they took her away from him forever.

Alex sat in a room more than an hour before the ceremony with her lying peacefully in the finest mahogany coffin that money could buy, the rich brown tones accentuating how pale she had become, lying there lifeless like a perfect marble carving of her. Alex did not hesitate to hold her hand, cold and limp in his grip, but skin still so smooth he couldn’t help but run the pad of his thumb over the back of it.

“My love… would it be selfish for me to wish it were me who died? For you to be the one in my place and me in yours. You’d know the words to say, the right things to do- I… I know nothing. Is it grief that I feel? Is it numb? Am I angry? Or distraught? These feelings inside of me… I… I don’t know how to feel them without you. I can’t seem to make heads or tails of what’s happening and all I know is that… I’m not happy. I know what happiness is, remember what it felt like. It was every time I was with you. And now- now I just feel… this emptiness.” 

Alex stood up and leaned over the edge of the coffin to take a long look at her resting features. Still so beautiful, as if she were truly just asleep, ready for him to wake up with a kiss. He placed one trembling kiss to her forehead, stole one desperate embrace and one lingering caress of her cheek- and then spun on his heel and walked away, knowing if he turned around, he would never be able to leave her side.

Lionel had chosen a modest church to farewell their beloved person in, thankfully not the same one Saeran had wanted for her wedding. Gradually, people began to arrive and the congregation filled up to the pews to the point that some had to stand at the back of the church to stay inside. Instead of filling Alex’s heart with warmth to see how much she was loved- all he could see was how much she would be missed. Alex’s quiet tears rolled down his cheeks as his head hung in grief, he couldn’t even pretend to be strong, not right then, not when he made his way to the dais to speak, his voice hoarse and cracking with every second word. He didn’t have it in him to speak of their love, of their memories or their plans; instead, he chose a short passage he had hoped his fiancé in heaven would understand.

“The righteous perish and no one takes it to heart, the devout are taken away and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace… they find rest as they lie in death. May my life’s breath find refuge in your heart, destroyed in our love, may my life depart.”

The church was still and hushed as they expected him to continue, to explain why he chose those specific words but instead he gave a curt bow to the crucifix and to Saeran and then sat back n his seat, ignoring the bewildered looks around him. The priest cleared his throat and proceeded with the sermon and before he knew it, the heavy weight of the fine wood was upon his shoulders, beside him the desolate face of her father and behind him Saeran’s friends.

_You were so loved Saeran. So so loved._

The fair weather turned cold, the sun into the moon- and still he stayed by her side, his back resting against her tombstone as he sat there in silence. Trying to remember the way she smelt so warm and inviting just as she was about to wake up- so much so he would have such a hard time leaving the bed at times- digging through his memories looking for the texture of her hair through his fingers, the sound of her occasional snort when she laughed too hard. It felt like they were already slipping away and if he didn’t continuously bring them to mind, he would lose her completely.

A light buzzing in his pocket broke him out of his frantic thoughts, pulling out his phone and answering the call without bothering to look at who called him, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t going to be her.

_“Agent grey.”_

Alex’s blood stopped, freezing in his veins at the cold voice that rang through the earpiece. He was going to hang up, he was, but listening to the way the head of the secret agency he used to work for tutted through the phone and how she cooed about regretting the loss of Saeran, he snapped. Everything started to make sense, the crash was no accident, it was intentional, an assassination. They were trying to kill him but killed his fiancé instead.

“I will kill you.”

She _laughed._

“Oh Alex, how I’ve missed you. Now, I hadn’t really expected you to survive, but I guess we can make use of you now. You’re heartbroken, and lonely. Just like when I first met you. I can form you into the perfect agent again. Why don’t you come back to us? Come with us and we can make sure no one else has to ever befall such a tragic fate-”

“I’m going to laugh when you die.”

Hanging up his phone, Alexander hardened his face along with his heart. Pressing one kiss to the cold stone of her epitaph and whispering goodnight to Saeran, Alex made his way to his car. They wanted Agent grey back? Fine, he was going to give them exactly what they asked for. He was going to make sure that they get tortured twice as much as they hurt her… fuck… even a hundred times more. They were going to pay for their crimes and he was going to drag them down into hell, one by one.

Alex drove back home. Unlocking the door to **his** house, he rushed to his office, not paying much attention to the fact that Lionel was right there in the living room.

Two cars to my sister, Alexis. Deposit 50% of bank savings to my dad, Axel. 50% to Saeran’s dad, Dante. Hand Saeran’s paintings and belongings to her dad. Her guitar and drum set can go to Lionel. Destroy everything else.

_…. There… that should be… it. Everyone should be fine. I’m sorry for being like this, I’m sorry Saeran… I know you wouldn’t be proud but I can’t-_

“Alex… what… what the hell are you writing?” Lionel’s sharp voice cut through the quiet, startling Alex. Alexander sighed and put the paper away before spinning in his seat to face him. No point in denying anything.

“I need to make sure everything is ready-”

“I get that but why are you writing a will? What are you thinking?” he asked, his brow furrowing as a deep scowl pressed his features. Alex smiled sardonically as the answer danced upon the tip of his tongue; swaying back and forth gently as he mulled over what to actually say. _Because there’s no life without her. I’ll protect her loved ones and get my revenge then follow her._

“I’m just preparing for a life I won’t exist in. I don’t plan to make it back ali-” 

The pain that erupted from his cheekbone crept up into his eyes and down his jaw, he never realized how mean Lionel’s right hook was. Alex gingerly touched at his coloring cheek and winced before peering up at his enraged friend through one eye, hisses of pain seeping through his slightly parted lips.

“You shut your mouth. Don’t even say it. Don’t even think it or I swear to God I will kill you myself,” he spat at him, pink bleeding into his face as both his hands and anger rose. Another loud smack rang through the house as his fist connected with Alex’s stomach, winding him, but still, he didn’t stop his assault. “You’re making it out alive, don’t make me a liar. I said I was going to have your back, I made a promise to her, don’t underestimate me. Don’t dishonor me. You’re going to live you son of a bitch; don’t you dare make a liar out of me!”

Blow after blow, he drove his message into the man before him, his frustration getting the better of him as he struck at him mindlessly. Desperate, he was beyond desperate. He didn’t know how to save himself let alone save someone else- how did Saeran do this shit?

“So pull yourself together. Burn that shit you just wrote; I never want to see anything like that again do you hear me? Dinner is almost ready, have a shower and then eat. We have work to do,” he barked as he roughly pulled on Alex’s arm to force him to stand and marched him into the bathroom.

“Work?” Alex mimicked as he turned on the shower, a cold spray of water hitting the tiles on the walls. Lionel nodded before throwing him a towel as he turned to walk out to tend to the food on the stove.

“Yes, work. We’re going to find every last agent in charge of that place, every last intel base and destroy them. I know all about the agency. Ran told me all about it… not too long ago. Said she’s been feeling them tracking you guys down, that’s when she made me promise her.”

“Lionel no, that’s far too dangerous-”

“That’s why I said we and not I. I already know you’re not letting them off the hook. Nothing you say is going to change my mind, so just let me join you.”

Alex stared at him, the towel almost slipping out of his fingers in his daze, he didn’t expect Lionel to want to be part of his revenge plan, but he wasn’t one to stop others.

“Okay. Just one question. What… was the promise you made to her?”

“When she filled me in about the agency. She told me ‘Lio, if anything were to happen to me, you’d look after Alex, right? He won’t have anyone. He needs someone to snap him out of his misery. Someone who won’t be afraid to talk back at him.’ You should’ve seen my face when she finished asking cause apparently it was so hilarious she couldn’t stop laughing.” His heart clenched in pain, a sad smile taking over his features as he recalled her charming laughter. “So yeah, how could I say no to that?”

Alex looked down at the tiled floor, his tears falling down, soft cries silenced by the sound of water hitting the tub. She had thought about him, all the time, she had a plan to contingency. A way to continue looking after him even after she was gone. Of course she did. He didn’t have any words for her or Lionel that could ever describe how he felt, so he just shooed Lionel out of the washroom and allowed everything to fall on him.

_Thank you._

\--

It had been three years. Three years of staying inside his house and hunting down everyone responsible for Saeran’s death with Lionel, and they had only started to scratch the surface- just how deep did this agency go? How many people were there? It seemed no matter how many times they would obliterate on intel base, another would pop up in its place with more agents than before. Still, Alex would never quit, never stop. He was beyond obsessed, living only to complete the justice he believed he… she… deserved.

Alex had tried to log in everyday to his chat with Saeran because a part of him would hope that there would be a new message waiting just for him. For the mere minutes he would sleep in a day, he would dream that he was still talking to her on the phone or beside him, and he would wake up in a panic, feverishly searching through his phone to see any hint of her… before quickly remembering that no, of course not, why would there be? That didn’t stop him from sending her messages and emails, sometimes leaving voice messages, knowing full well they would never be read or answered- it was the only way left he could talk to her.

Hey Saeran, it’s me. 

Hey love, just wanted to say hi. 

I miss you.

Come back.

Ran. 

How I wish you’d answer me.

Saeran. 

I love you. 

_I’m so sorry._

Lionel tried his best to continue helping him and staying true to his vow, but Alex was making it hard to do so. He barely ate or drank anymore, his skin sticking to hollowed out muscles and angry protruding bones. Lionel had become so desperate he had to literally take a fuse out of the circuit box to cut the power and stop him from working in order to force him to eat… and more often than not he would have to drug his meal so he would get a few hours of sleep in. He was nothing but a shadow of who he used to be, a haunted remnant clinging on until the end. Alex didn’t smile or laugh, he didn’t even cry anymore- everything he was, was for vengeance. “… justice Lionel, justice.”

Ten years had passed and both his hands were so covered in grime and blood, even after he had washed them a thousand times over, he could never really stop seeing the crimson stains upon his skin. They were close, it was nearly done, they had nearly won. _She_ was on the run and only had a handful of bases left. Only those most loyal to their cause were left to hunt down. His hands hurt, the non-stop typing, the lives taken by the pull of his trigger heavy on his work worn hands… but it was only a matter of time before he could finally put them down to rest. Just a little longer and he could finally stop.

Alex turned to Lionel, bent over on the desk with his head resting on his crossed forearms; tired eyes staring blankly at him or his screen, he couldn’t tell. He looked so exhausted that it clawed at his heart to see him like that, so for the umpteenth time, he started to spiel.

“This doesn’t make any sense Lionel. Go. Stop this madness. Find a girl, marry her and have a thousand children. Live the life I wanted for myself and Ran. Just go and live dammit.” Lionel just gave him a sad smile and shook his head imperceptibly.

“I’ve lost my family too; I’m not going to abandon the only member I have left.”

Alex could feel the tingle of something behind his eyes, something he hadn’t felt for the longest time and didn’t want to either. No more tears, just focus. Concentrate.

“Alex?”

“….”

“Alexander…”

“…Don’t use that name.”

“I’m sorry… about Saeran. I know how much you-“

“Yeah”

“And how much she-“

“Yeah”

“so…”

“so…?”

“I’m sorry”

“you said that”

“I still am”

_After all these years._

“me too”

“she would forgiv-“

_Ahh. So that’s what he wanted… he wanted him to stop? To end this and just move on?_

“But I wont”

18 years. It took 18 years until he stood in a near abandoned bunker, over the dead body of the person that started it all. He had planned to take his time, to extract every iota of pain he could from her in retribution to the damage she had done. He had carried the explosives he had later found out she left in the plane and wanted to scare her with them, wanted to hurt her exactly in the ways Saeran was hurt all those years ago- to see her panic, to feel her fear. Though in the end- a simple bullet, just the one, was all it took. All the time he had dreamed and planned for it, culminating in the greatest antithesis of his life. There was no sense of justice here, no glory, no happiness. But it was done, finally, and he could put down his hands.

Lionel came up behind him confirming that the authorities were on their way, his eyes scanning around the room to ensure no evidence could be linked back to them. Alex looked at his friend as he holstered his weapon, he knew they would be fine; every single trace of the agency, every informant and agent and base- gone, erased from the world. It had cost them some of the best years of their lives but they didn’t have it in them to regret it or even care anymore, it was over, it was done.

“Alex? We gotta go-”

“Hmm? Right. Right”

But now that it was finished… what else did he have?

“Alexander!”

“I know. I’m going. I’m going.”

It was no surprise to Lionel when one day about a month after it all ended to wake up to find Alex gone, one bag packed with a simple note of “thanks” left on the coffee table for him. He was surprised however that he wasn’t upset or hurt, but actually relieved. He had lived up to his promise as best as he could and now Alex was finally free to properly mourn the woman who saved them all. Perhaps now finally he could truly say goodbye. Folding the note in half and putting it into his pocket, Lionel walked towards their joint hacking room and looked around so vividly seeing Alex sit at his table with his headphones on and arguing with him about needing to eat when he was so close to cracking a code. Laughing mirthlessly to himself, he flicked the switch to see all the lights dim before completely turning off. Rotating on his heel, feeling both sadder and happier than he had felt in years, Lionel shut the door behind him and made breakfast for one.

Regrets. He had one. He had a few.

Not the years lost. Not the pain and the suffering they all endured.

It was that he didn’t leave with her… or maybe perhaps that he didn’t visit her once all those years. No, it was that he didn’t tell her he loved her the most and, in the end, he never got to hear her say ‘I do’. Alex didn’t fight the stinging in his eyes and the burning in his throat, it was time, he had time to cry now. Huddled over in his car, his hands wrenched in the fabric of his old tattered hoodie- her favourite- his empty sobs racking at his body. He raised his left hand up to his face, twirling the ring on his finger before pressing a kiss to the warm metal, the taste of salt from his tears on the golden band strong on his lips. He swore he could almost feel her soft touch at the nape of his neck and the pressure of her forehead against his, as if she were trying to comfort him… and he wanted to believe it. He wanted to open his eyes and see her bright gaze set upon his and her wide smile beaming up at him once more. Squeezing his eyes even tighter in a bid to not fall into temptation and come up disappointed again, Alex leant his head against the cool leather of the steering wheel, his hands clasped to his chest against his heart, his most desperate prayer falling from his tongue.

_“Dear God… I’m sorry that I turned my back on you for so long. I couldn’t achieve what I needed to if I hadn’t. I wish I could tell you I was sorry for everything but I’m not. What I did was wrong… I know that… but do you think… maybe… it doesn’t have to be in this life or even in the next… but can I… can I please see her again? I’ll do whatever you want… just please, let me love her again”_

Only the resounding silence answered him.

Blinking back the tears and brushing the rest of them away with the back of his hand, Alex shook himself trying to shock some sense back into his stupid head. His God had forsaken him long ago, why did he think that one final prayer would make any difference? 

Turning the key in the ignition Alex took a deep breath and started to drive. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do when he got there- but all he knew was that it was time to go.


End file.
